I’ve heard grief described like waves.
Grief comes in and feels like it will overtake you. It feels like it will take you under and tow you out to sea. Sometimes you see it coming, like when birthdays, anniversary dates, or holidays are coming up. Other times, it takes you by surprise. You hear a song that reminds you of your missing loved one or reminds you of a happier time and you are immediately reminded of how life has changed.
That’s what grief has felt like for me lately. Today marks six months since Mike left for work and never came home. The 2nd of the month is a reminder. Tuesdays are reminders. Some of them are ok; I can remember Mike with love and remember how grateful I am that he was part of our lives. Other months, I just feel the gaping hole in my heart. So far, today, I feel numb. Numb is ok for me. It means I’m not l overcome with feelings of grief.
Back to the waves. Mike’s birthday was last month and the kids and I made a simple plan to have dinner and watch one of his favorite movies at home. It was a nice evening telling stories and having a meal together. It felt good that we got through that day with a little joy in remembering things about Mike.
Easter was a couple of weeks later. I was not expecting this holiday to send me into a 3-week loop of sadness. Mike loved to have fun with the kids at church every week, especially on celebration Sundays. I felt his absence that day and the weeks after. All I could do was get out of bed every day and go to work. The grief was as heavy as it was in the first days after Mike’s passing. The questions, anguish, and waiting for the resolution of legal and financial matters have become overwhelming once again.
I have no great words of wisdom for you here. I am just riding the wave until it subsides; and I believe it will, eventually. When I’m sad, I excuse myself from public view and feel those feelings. I scream into a pillow, then hug the pillow. I write out my frustrations, then burn them. I go to the batting cages and hit some softballs. Sometimes I sit in a pool or hot tub and let the feelings float away. Talk to God, talk to a friend, talk to a counselor.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Some days these verses give me comfort and other days, I have more questions than answers about them. But in terms of reality, everything we are going through right now is temporary and God is interested in our eternal soul.
One day, we will see God.
One day everything will be made right.
One day we will be with our loved ones.
REMEMBER: waves eventually subside and calm down. We just have to learn how to ride them out until they take us back to shore. I’ve always wanted to learn how to surf. Maybe this is my chance.
Peace and Love to you, my friends.